made it back home to Canada for xmas... havent been home for xmas in 2 years due to immigration proceedings... but it was as if id never left... tree in the same corner, newer ornaments in with the older ones though, but little else changes in some respects... everyone makes it home, everyone gets together, enjoys themselves, i missed that...

got to spend time with my grandmother... every year we would go play at the old-age home for the shut-ins... we always knew that xmas would be the time when they would need the entertainment the most.. so we'd pile into the car with our instruments and go play until the wee hours of the morning...

not like that was anything new for us; since i was 5 (yep, closing in on 24 years ago) i would tag along with grannie to benefit concerts for anyone that needed money raised for operations, house fires, building funds, anything at all... i sang with her til i was older and more competent instrument-wise where id perform alone or back her up as she sang.. and we did that every weekend from when i was 5 until i was around 25.. id go to school through the week (with the odd benefit or house party or club to play at during the evenings) and then friday saturday and sunday wed play to raise money for people.. sometimes 3 different concerts a night for people we didnt know or even sometimes what was wrong with them; all we knew was they needed help so we did what we could to contribute... most of the audience would wait throughout the entire evening until we went on stage (we usually closed the show as the last number)... christ knows how much money we've raised over the years or how many people are still alive because of those concerts.. and we would never ever take a cent even for gas.. we traveled all over Prince Edward Island and never cared how far the drive was... thats the way my grandmother is and thats how she raised me...
i remember one xmas about 3 years ago grannie heard that there was a family out near Dingwells Mills on PEI who weren't doing well financially; he'd apparently lost his job etc and she was pregnant and had kids already and they didnt even have a tree or anything... mind you this was xmas eve and all the stores were in the process of shutting down for the holidays... so she called all of my aunts and uncles and any friends of the family who were nearby and got them to gather whatever they could spare together as far as food and such went, then she and most of my aunts drove to town to get miscellaneous household things and toys and the such (she wasnt even sure if the kids they had were boys or girls or what so they got little toys and stuff for both genders) as well as some clothing items like hats or scarves or socks, then they went grocery shopping and got 2 carloads of food and a turkey and desserts for their xmas meal... then a caravan of 4 cars went with all those items and landed in the guys yard... she went up to the door and rang the bell and when the guy came to the door she said to him "you dont know me, but i heard you guys arent doin too well off for christmas" .. sheepishly he nodded and she said "we're gonna leave some stuff here for you and the wife and kids" and with that my mom and dad and moms sisters started taking all the stuff into his house... he started to stammer out some sort of explanation as to why they were in such dire straits and my grannie interrupted him and said "none of that matters; you dont need to tell me" and after it was all inside, they left... i dont even think the guy knows my grandmothers name or who she was... she just appeared with her family and left just as randomly...

i wasnt home for all this; i was in the states trying to get my green card... but ill never forget that story, and how my grandmother once again swooped down from nowhere and changed the life of someone she doesnt know for the better... thats what shes done all her life.. and never ever wanted anything in return.. thats why shes a bit of a local legend back home...

so my question to you all..

is how does someone so giving, so fucking inherantly good,

end up having 5 cancerous tumors on her brain?

this is the news i came home to this xmas... i spent most of the holidays in the hospital with her as she went in and out of consciousness and delirium...this woman, who up until 3 years ago wouldve been outside swinging a chainsaw to cut her wood for the winter, wasnt speaking above a whisper.. no short term memory, confused, broken...

and how often i sat there at her bedside holding her hand while she slept; this person who has given her entire life to helping others in need is now on the other end of the rope... my grandmother who i spent the majority of my time growing up with and was at times inseparable from, wasnt sure who i was some of the time...

one of the last coherent things she said to me was "jesus.. id be lost if i couldnt see you"...

now here i am in another country.. and she cant see me here...

where the fuck is 'god' now?

the time i spent this last xmas sitting by her bed, running my fingers through her hair as she slept, knowing that not even an inch below my fingertips was the very thing that was killing her.. and if i could somehow get my fingers in there i could scoop it out and i could have her back again.. the family and public who love her could have her back again...

but i cant

she has done so much for me and there is nothing i can do for her

but watch her die from 550 miles away